Thursday, May 11, 2006

The father and the mother

Do you sympathize more with Father (Ed) or Mother (Judy)?
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12 comments:

kc said...

(You're so cute with your discussion questions. I feel like Jerri Blank: BACK IN SCHOOL!

I think the dad has a lot to recommend him: patience, kindness, hard-working, etc. — but the fucker killed his lover's dog with a garden fork. Call me petty, but I find that hard to overlook. I mean, that's just not within the acceptable range of human behavior. You have to have a serious screw loose to do that. I sort of felt sorry for him because his wife dumped him for the neighbor and left him to care for the kid by himself. That would be horrendous. The mom can't handle when the going gets tough, and that's not a good trait in a mom, but she seemed to be the sort of person who would come through for you in the end. But the dad's capable of horrendous acts: murdering a dog, telling his kid his mother is dead, punching holes in things. Maybe Christopher's propensity for violence was not wholly part of his autism but was partially learned from his dad.

10:05 AM, May 11, 2006
Ben said...

I definitely sympathize with both, but perhaps a bit more with the father.

They both failed Christopher, but she did it more pathetically and quietly. I absolutely hate the violence and the lying, and I won't overlook them, but I don't think anything can take away his care for Christopher and nothing can make up for her inability to care for Christopher.

I don't want to explain away killing the dog, and if he pays for it by never being with his son again it'll be less than he deserves, but I do have to think that his screw loose can be explained by the divorce and caring for Christopher. Of course, by the same token, her inability to care for him can be explained by how difficult it was.

On the whole, I find a lot to dislike about both, little to like about her, and much to like about him. So I guess I prefer him. And I feel very sorry for him at the end. Yes, he deserved it, but I still feel sorry for him.

11:16 AM, May 11, 2006
kc said...

I think it's really impossible to tell who's the better person, or the person most worthy of our sympathy, because the narrator is not really a reliable reporter of adult behaviors and he's incapable of speculating about motives — for the killing, for the lying, for the affair, for the violence. There's too much we don't know.

Also, usually it's the man who bails out of the marriage when times get tough and usually it's the mom who is the primary caregiver, of all children not just autistic ones, so when we see this pattern reversed. it kind of throws us. It's like how men abuse and kill their children every single day in this country, and when a mom does it, it really stands out because it's not the norm. Society expects more from mothers, and when they act like men, they get nailed to the cross.

11:51 AM, May 11, 2006
Ben said...

But it isn't wrong to blame the mom who bails out, it's wrong not to blame the dad who bails out. It isn't that mothers are held to too high a standard, it's that fathers are often not held to any kind of standard.

12:20 PM, May 11, 2006
george said...

I think I'm more sympathetic for the mother. Not that I'm more sypmathetic toward her than you guys are, but that I'm not very sympathetic toward the father.

Telling Christopher his mother is did and refusing to let her see him, was that really making things easier for Christopher, or Ed? The dad basically used the son to hurt the mother, and based his new relationship with his son on a lie.

She wants to care for Christopher and tries very hard, but she just doesn't know how. Even though she ran off, she thought she was doing what was best for Christopher.

Same thing when her son shows up in London. Her maternal instincts kick in and she wants to care for him, but as the same mistakes are made as she tries to take Christopher anywhere, she starts to realize it isn't going to work and steals off with Rogers car to get back to Swindon.

I think she was the more honest person. She might have lied to herself, but she never lied to Christopher.

12:44 PM, May 11, 2006
kc said...

I agree. Obviously.

But if the roles were reversed in this book. If it had been the father who left the family to have an affair and the mother who killed her lover's dog with a garden fork and lied to the kid about the father being dead and punched holes in things out of anger, I think your perceptions of who's more sympathetic would shift a bit — simply based on how we are taught to hold men and women to different standards.

I think a lot of people would say, oh yeah, whatever, men sometimes get restless and want other women and disappoint their families. That's not so unusual. I think they are way more forgiving of a man in that situation than they are of a woman. And they think, oh yeah, men punch holes in things and kick dogs or whatever — blame it on the testosterone. People do not generally bend over backward to explain violent or immoral behavior in women. They just label her a bitch or a psycho or whatever and have done with it.

12:52 PM, May 11, 2006
kc said...

Oh, good point, George. She never lied to Christopher.

12:54 PM, May 11, 2006
Ben said...

Their gender isn't an issue for me, kc. The one who left did something horrible, as did the one who killed the dog and lied, but only the latter stayed and took care of Christopher. That doesn't cover up the wrongs, but it's something, and I don't see anything to recommend the one who left.

1:05 PM, May 11, 2006
george said...

I'm not saying that the mother did the right thing by leaving, but she honestly thought it was in Christopher's best interest. And she clearly didn't want to be out of Christopher's life and not help care for him -- that was the dad's decision. When I say I have more sympathy for her I mean I feel more sorry for her: She made bad choices and has to deal with the consequences.

The dad stayed and took care of Christopher, but was it because he chose to or felt he had to?

I have a hard time being sympathetic toward him because he was using Christopher to hurt his mom by keeping him out of her life. And also because he hit Christopher during the fight. I think he showed he's holding in a lot of resentment toward both his ex and his son. As kc pointed out, the fucker killed a dog with a garden fork. The guy's got issues, and I think he also places blames on his son for the breakup of the marriage.

2:09 PM, May 11, 2006
Ben said...

Good points. Thanks for bringing up the fight -- that's a huge thing I was overlooking in my earlier analysis.

And you made me realize this possibility: You could see the father's taking care of Christopher after his mother left as being equivalent to his mother taking care of Christopher when he showed up in London. Since that was really the only positive I had for the father, that totally changes the balance.

This discussion question is better than I thought it would be!

2:26 PM, May 11, 2006
cl said...

Ultimately, all of the adults in the book disappointed me, except for Christopher's teacher. He's already sensitive to a volatile environment, and:
1) Mom packs up and leaves -- OK, she can't handle it, but she's also bailing for a love nest, and she then embarks on a letter-writing campaign to convince Christopher why he's too much work for her to stick around. Awful stuff to dump on a kid regardless of whether he can emotionally digest it.

2) Dad gets rough and abusive, although it's hard to say how much from Christopher's perception, but then killing a dog? That really clenches the violent character.

Oh, and mom and dad fight and shout within Christopher's earshot, apparently careless about the effect.

3) Mrs. Alexander is barely acquainted with Christopher when she lets him in on his mother's affair. It was totally inappropriate to share.

4) Christopher likes police officers, but look at how rough the first one was with him.

9:41 AM, May 12, 2006
george said...

All the adult characters do disappoint at different times, but the difference with the mom for me is that her intentions are always good. It seems to me she wants so much to be a good mother to Christopher, but she just doesn't know how.

When her son shows up in London, she runs to him and embraces him; he screams in response. And later she asks to simply be allowed to hold his hand; he cannot even give her that. I thought it was heart-wrenching. I'm not saying what she did was the right choice, but she did think she was doing right by him, since later she bailed on the love nest pretty quickly when her son was back in her life.

9:58 PM, May 13, 2006

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